You Snooze, I Lose.

As you may know, I just got back from a month long whirlwind trip through England, Denmark and Scotland. On the whole, I had an amazing time seeing castles, famous landmarks, Broadway musicals, the works.

However, knowing me, the events that I am most likely to document are those in which I did NOT have such a pleasant experience.

Because hey, I'm free from all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
(New favorite quote found in a quote book I purchased at Edinburgh Castle titled 'Now Panic and Freak Out'.)

So what I will now recount is the story of what was most possibly the 2nd or 3rd worst night of my life. Prepare yourself.

Here's how it went down:
The fam (including my mom, pops, Gem and brother's family) were on a week-long road trip through Wales. After a long day of England-y fun, we pulled into the closest Travelodge to spend the night.

My brother and his family bunked down in the first room along the hall while Gem, the parents and I caved out in the next.

Feeling particular grimy after a day on the road, I decided to take a shower before hitting the sack. So after adequately steaming, primping and lotioning, I made my way out into the silence.

Amazingly, everyone was already asleep.
(Because, heaven's knows, my short showers are legendary.)

Happily snuggling into the crisp white duvet atop my creaky trundle, I let out a sigh of relief. I had almost dozed into a blissful dreamland when I heard...

IT. (Please turn volume to it's highest level for full effect.)

There was a LAWNMOWER in my room.
A lawnmower I lovingly refer to as Daddy-O.

Instantly my eyes shot open.

"Crap!" I remembered, "Dad snores!"
Panic fluttered through me for a brief instant but then I remembered something: I can sleep through anything!
(Or so I thought...)

Summoning all the willpower I possessed, I tried to ignore the foghorn immediately to my left.

...

Unfortunately, counting sheep or finding my happy place just wasn't cutting it. It was time for more aggressive measures.

I plugged my ears. Hummed my favorite hymn. (All lies, it doesn't work.)
By that point, I had wrapped my pillow around head like a bonnet, all to no avail.

And then, as if she were mocking me in my own private Hell, on my other side Gem began to softly snort. She remained unfazed through the cacophony.

Rolling to my back, I looked up to the ceiling and imagined if this was what death felt like.

I had reached my last nerve.
Moaning, I rolled over and tapped Dad.
"Dad. Dad!" I whispered, "You're snoring."

*silence*

Was fate kidding me??! Why hadn't I thought of this before??!
I began to relax.

(I'm sure you know what comes next.)

"SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!"
Immediately, I shot up.

"Dad, Dad, DAD.", I repeated, shaking him firmly.

He cleared his throat for a brief moment then rolled over.
Finally! I had achieved success! Because anyone who's endured my dad's roars knows he relentlessly claims that telling him to 'roll-over' is all you have to do.

After all, it's "NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL". (His words. My eye!)

But it's all lies. Because, no joke, 30 seconds later, he started up the motor again.

If I were a nut, I would have cracked, and I think I did a little. Because suddenly, I found myself waking my mom. If I couldn't sleep, neither could she!

"Mom!" I hissed, "Keep Dad from snoring!"

She looked up, startled, and angrily made her way to the bathroom where she relieved herself, traipsed back to bed and within ten minutes was out cold.

SNORE.

That was it. I had hit the final straw.
"Oh my H***!!", came the war cry.
I was going to do something or I was going to die trying!

Gathering all of my bedding into my arms, I proceeded to drag my mattress into bathroom. I must have been making a zoo's worth of clamoring but, heck, why would anyone in this family rouse to excess noise??

Slamming the door behind me, I wedged the mattress into what little space the bathroom afforded, plopped down, accustomed myself to the muffled snoring seeping from under the door (doable) and remembered nothing else until the next morning when my very confused mother jammed the door into my side on her way to the loo.

In fact, it may be the best night's sleep I've ever had.

So it all goes to show that good things can come from bad situations. If you have a little ingenuity and a lot of pent up anger.

Stay tuned for a detailed description of my hellish day in Scotland.