So I sped-walked to the little ladies room, quick as a jiffy, to take care of business (if you know what I mean...). After choosing the second stall (always the best choice) and settling in, I noticed the entrance of another bathroom occupant.
"Brr. Cold. It's Cold." she mumbled, "Cold. Cold. Cold."
Pretending not to have noticed, I listened as she proceeded to fiddle with the door to the adjoining stall, sliding the lock back and forth and making a general ruckus. Apparently there was a problem, because she relocated to my other side and tried her luck there.
It's wasn't long before there was a knock at my door.
Which I found extremely unsettling considering our location and the purpose for being there.
"Occupied.", I sputtered nervously.
"Oh. Right. Of course." she voiced loudly, "There seems to be a problem with the locks around here. So I'll just wait 'til you're done."
No pressure, right?
It was then I noticed her feet protruding under my door. The woman's nose must have literally been touching the outside of my stall. She may have also had an eye pressed against the crack, I was too stunned to check.
"Okay..." I hesitated, "but I might be a minute."
Now, maybe it's just me, but I usually avoid conversations with strangers from within public restroom stalls. It borders on extremely awkward, and I try to avoid that at all costs.
But apparently, she was fine with it. Because two seconds later she started jabbering again.
"No problem. No problem. Maybe I can get this dang thing to work.", she decided as she tried the locks again. Much to my relief, one miraculously worked.
By this time, I was ready to wash my hands and get the heck out of there, but decided to avoid a face-to-face confrontation at all costs and stay within the safety of my stall. Where I remained during the next five minutes during her continuous stream of brain vomit. (You know, the thoughts most of us keep in our head, but in her case, voiced without filter or reserve.)
It went a little something like this:
"Come on, come on. Let's go!" (I'm scared to think what this was in reference to...)
"Yuck. Gah, Idiot." (Also, ew.)
*sighing impatiently*
"Good thing I got that darn door to lock, huh?" (No response.)
*laughing nervously*
"They should really check on those sorts of things." (I think it was a user error, personally.)
"Geez. It's stuck."
*grunts*
"Phew." (Why me?...)
Pretty sure there was some humming somewhere in there as well, but I could never be sure.
Before long she had made her way to the sinks (after hearing no flush, to my terror) where she proceeded to wash her hands. Well try, at least. Apparently the technology of the world was working against her because nothing seemed to be functioning correctly.
I went to my happy place and pretended I was invisible, seriously considering pulling my legs up to hide my shoes on the off chance that she might recognize them and strike up a potentially disastrous conversation, should I encounter her in the store again.
Naturally, there was additional commentary as she tried to figure out the paper towel dispenser, eventually giving up and exiting wet-handed.
Just to be safe, I waited an additional few minutes before making my escape. She could have come back, you can never be too careful.
Out of curiosity, I checked the offending stall locks.
As I expected, they were fully functioning and quite easy to maneuver. The toilet (which was actually an automatic flush) was also in perfect working condition. And when I washed my hands, guess what? The soap dispensed beautifully and the automatic towel machines easily detected my motion.
Which left me particularly puzzled.
How could one woman be so completely confounded by a multitude of simple machines? Most of them requiring only her motion to produce the desired result.
My only conclusion was that she must have fallen out of the 'special' tree and hit every special branch.
Regardless, it was an experience that I do not hope to repeat.
Friendly bathroom banter included.
4 comments:
Sounds like a case of bathroom turrets!
most likely she saw you enter the bathroom and was like, hey, i'l like to meet that swell gal, but how? And then was like, HEY! I can get her to help me out with made up issues in the bathroom! I bet she was really disappointed when you thwarted her, though. too bad.
:)
Sometimes, I wonder if people are just bored enough to think, "Oh my gosh. Someone just came in. I'm totally gonna freak this girl out" and begins doing whatever they would NEVER do on a regular basis.
My husband had an experience similar to this.
He heard, "oh no.... Ohhhh NOOO... Oh deeeeaar!!!!!!"
Ahahaha! Yikes...
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