It's All in Me 'Ed.

"GEM!", Dad bellowed to my youngest sister as the back door crashed open, "Get on some shoes and get out here quick!"

Within an instant, Mom tensed, her paranoia meter cresting dangerous levels. Quicker than crap through a goose she jumped to her feet and sprinted towards the back door.

"Is everything all right, Robert?!", she hollered after him, voice strained. In an whoosh of activity, they vanished, leaving the dust to settle slowly back to earth.

I hadn't moved.

The way I figured it, the tone in Dad's voice could only have meant one of three things:

A) someone (or something) was hurt,

B) Gem was in for a swift kick in the pants

-or-

C) the world was coming to an end,

all of which couldn't have convinced me to vacate the couch.

As I lay there, dying from stuffy-nosed-ness, I contemplated the options.

First off, I had recently run out of beloved pets which meant that the 'run over/intentionally decapitate' chances were slim and the 'dying pet' option was out.
Second, Gem needed a good whippin' every twice and a while.
And lastly, though the apocalypse may have been upon us, I wouldn't have minded so long as I could be assured bacon in heaven.

"Plus, if it was the end of the world," I mused, "why would he have demanded she grab shoes?"

It wasn't long before Mom puffed back into the room.

"What happened?", I questioned, offering a few quick suggestions before she could reply.

"Did the sick calf die?"

"No.", she responded, curtly.

"Is Gem in trouble?"

"No.", she nodded.

"THERE ISN'T ANY BACON IN HEAVEN?", I gasped.

Unfazed she responded, "One of the cows is gone. He's running down the street right about now."

*I blinked.*

"BAH!", I exploded in a fit of laughter.
Finally, a break in an otherwise uneventful day. 

"You think this is FUNNY?", Mom shot back as I gave her the 'are you kiddin' me?' face. "You think it's funny that 1,000 dollars worth of hamburger is running wild and free down the highway?", she demanded.

I stared at her, contemplating the chances that this might be a trick question.

"Um... YES!", I emphatically responded. "Them cows is up teh somethin', Mrs. Tweedy, er, Mom." I couldn't help adding, "Ther' plottin' alright!"

Unamused, she headed back outside, determined to be some sort of helpful. Feeling sadly unappreciated and yet at the same time overly amused with myself, I watched the light fade as Pops n' Gem corralled the escapee steer back into its enclosure while successfully keeping his three comrades from also stampeding away mooing '...freedom!'.

It wasn't long before my very own cattle herdin' team was moseyin' back on up to the homestead, pooped from all the hustle and bustle. I decided to corner Mom first.

"Did your 'bang the feeding trough' theory pan out?", I wondered bemusedly.

"Well," she answered, "I can't quite tell. It was probably a mixture of things that did the trick. Dad chased him away from the road after I distracted him with the noise but then he ran right up to my garden and started eating the flowers."

Thinking of the new blooms Mom had just finished nestling into their new home being torn from their beds and maliciously shredded in that filthy bovine's green teeth brought an edge of horror to my voice.

"Did you yell at him!!?", I pressured, staring with eyes wide.

"No.", Mom said flatly.

"Did you wave your arms, jump up and down and motion wildly for Dad?"

"No.", she practically yawned.

"Did you grab him by the horns, threaten to move up his pending slaughter date and maliciously squirt A1 sauce into his eyes!!?!", I practically screamed.

"No.", Mom said. "I thought, 'oh crap', the cow is eating my flowers."

...

I breathed in, fully expecting to counter this obvious lack of originality with some sort of retort but decided against it by the time I had fully opened my mouth.

"You're hopeless.", I sighed and moved on to my next victim.

"Had enough excitement for one day?", I smiled as Dad slowly scrubbed the muck from his hands and upper arms all over my newly rinsed dishes in the kitchen sink.

"Yup.", he responded in his so completely characteristic succinctness.

"I give up.", I moaned and headed off to bed.