What I Learn in College.

1. Scissors/shears are sharp.

My floral design teacher is a hoot.
She's strange and I like it.

But best of all, she's full of useful snippets. Take, for example, the inherent nature of floral clippers. Namely, they're sharp.

You see, they cut from both sides which makes them ever-so-much-better than plain ole' scissors, don't cha know.

And so, naturally, after explaining the dangers of 'clipping off your very own finger in the process of trimming rose thorns' and urging all students to use common sense by keeping their fingers out of the way while doing so, a certain little miss genius in the front row complained she was bleeding.

Yes. The girl is in college.
Yes. We assume she has a brain.
Yes. I weep for her children.

2. Fire and stupid people don't mix.

"Sometimes" my floral teacher explained, "We have people (usually old people) who call in, wondering how to light the candle in their arrangement when it is still wrapped in plastic. Usually, it's the delivery guy's job to remove the wrappers."

The problem is: this here is less than perfect world.

For example: why in the love of pork chops is there is never enough bacon?

The point being: sometimes in life, you're gonna have to remove the plastic wrap. (Isn't that existential?...) I know this sound difficult and particularly terrifying but, good-golly, it's possible.

The only thing I'm left wondering is why, exactly, we allow people (who can't figure out how to remove a little cellophane from a candle before lighting it) access to flammable products anyways?...

3. Don't incorporate skis into a funeral set piece if the deceased died in a horrific skiing accident.

Wha?? No way...
This is news to me.

4. Fir trees and fur trees are two entirely different things.

One's a lot less hairy.

See.
Isn't my education paying off?

5. I am the master of flower domination.

I vil' terminate zem.

(Except 'terminate' in this instance, may be used more loosely to mean 'lovingly admire them as they sit on my kitchen table'.)

Ah'll be back!

Hasta la vista, beh-bay.

Hey.

I'm not much of a Schwarzenegger, okay?