More of Ze Grande Tour.

How's about I squoinch a few more photos of my apartment on here ta'day?

How's that for a word: 'squoinch'. I'm not exactly sure how I came up with that one? Perhaps a mixture of squish, oink and pinch?... You figure out how that works.

All I know is that it has so many perfect uses in so many, many circumstances...

Here's da bathroom. For kind of a tight fit, I feel like I've got a pretty good balance goin' on in here. I found the candle sconces at D.I. for a buck a piece, the black shelf at D.I. for a dolla, stole the candles from my mom, the three glass jars to hold Q-tips/cotton balls/cotton pads at The Dollar Store, the purple berry wreath out of a junk pile for free, the frog hand soap dispenser as a birthday gift, the toothbrush holder from The Dollar Store, the jewelry containers as gifts, the hair accessory tower from D.I. for (you guessed it) one buckaroo, the basket on the tank of the toilet from Da Twinneh and *phew* the towels as gifts.

Therefore, according to my calculations, this room cost me a whopping: $10.

And now for ze bedroom.

First off, I can't be held accountable for the lack of frames/photos on that wall.

However, I will take credit for it's future glory. That, my friends, I purchased (almost entirely honestly) from the D.I. for $2. The frames were also thrift finds and rest assured, I have two additional frames and five adorable 5x7s to fill them as soon as I move back after the break. If you're good, I'll show you the finished product.

But the breakdown: the paper lanterns were $.75 each at the D.I., the reversible comforter was a gift (pardon the messy bed... that's twice now! I'm going to hell...), the sheet set was purchased for a ridiculously good price from JC Penney online and the pillows were all stolen from my parent's house. Well... almost all.

I cry to think of the number of pillows they've had to purchase to make up for my fetish. Okay. Not really cry, per say.

I may be laughing on the outside but on the inside, I'm crying.

My brother and sister-in-law gave me the TV out of pity (I love pity gifts!), the wall sconce and candle were from the D.I., the reversible word wood blocks I featured HERE, the cutest-flower-lamp-in-existence my sister bought for me at IKEA, the bead curtains I got for $2 at DEB and the other knick-knacks I probably either got as gifts, from The Dollar Store or (you know it) the D.I.

Are we sensing a pattern here?...

The butterfly chair was a spur-of-the-moment purchase at Walmart for $20 and the clock $5. Ah, to be young and impulsive again. Wait...

You can't really see it so well here, but there's a little green wooden sign over my closet that says 'WHATEVER'. It's pretty much my pride and joy.

I'm tellin' ya people. EVERYTHING is at the D.I.

So long as you're brave enough to sift through the crap.

So... that's about it. I've 'squoinched' (eh?... eh?... :D) in everything I can think of. What do you think of my humble abode?

How to Spell 'Insanity'.

Playing Scrabble with my family is equivalent to mental suicide.
("Don't be such a drama queen!")

I am not even lying. They're all bat-crap-crazy.

No seriously.
My brain literally wants to step off a chair and hang itself.

Here's how it inevitably goes down.

Mom: "Who wants to play a game?"
Gem: "Corin will only play if we do Scrabble."
Dad: "How else will she control her unquenchable desire for complete domination?"
Mom: "Corin, do you want to play Scrabble?"

Me: "No."

Dad: "Someone take that girl's temperature!"
Gem: "Am I sleeping?" *pinch* "Ow." *pinch* "Ow!"
Mom: "Why not?"

Me: "Because I'm busy."

Mom: "Are you telling me that after I came out here specifically to enjoy you guys' company when I've been sick in bed all day and have had my meals fed to me on a tray and have watched 182 hours of Larkrise to Candleford and..." *two hours pass* "it all comes down to the fact that you don't love me, do you."

Me: -seated at table-

Mom: "How many tiles do I draw?"

Gem: "Seven."

Mom: "Six?"

Dad: "Seven."

Gem: "Pick a tile to see who goes first. Ha! I got 'A'!"

Dad: "N".

Mom: "I got an 'A' too!"

Gem: "No. You have to pick one tile first then take seven."

Mom: "Why does no one tell me the rules?"

Gem: "I go first then and get a double word score. Heh-heh."

Mom: "Wait! Why?"

Gem: "Because it's on a pink square. Pink squares give you a double word score."

Mom: "So you can spell things diagonally?!!"

Gem: "NO. Mom. Only down or from left to right."

Mom: "How many tiles do I need again?"

Me: *whimpers*

Mom: "This tile's blank."

Gem: "That means it's a wild."

Mom: "So it can be whatever I want it to be?!"

Gem: "You have to decide what it is then it stays that letter."

Dad: "But you can replace it with the actual letter if you have it."

Mom: "Okay then! I'll take it!"

Gem: "No. No. No. You have to use it during the same turn."

Mom: "What!!! Why doesn't anyone ever tell me the rules?!"

Dad: "Is this really so painful?"

Me: I'm surrounded by idiots."

Mom: "Whose turn is it?"

Gem: "Dad's."

*2 seconds pass*

Mom: "Kay, my turn right?"

Dad: "I'm still thinking."

Gem: "How do you spell 'violet'?"

Dad: "Look up 'J-E-R-O-A-M."

Gem: "G-E-R..."

Dad: "No. J-E-R-O-A-M."

Mom: "A-O-M?"

Gem: "J-E-O-R-A-M?"

Mom: "Wait. I think he said J-E-O-R-O-A-M."

Dad: "J-E-R-O-A-M!!!"

...

Gem: "Sorry. Not a word."

Mom: "Hold on. You guys are looking up random words?..."

Gem: "If it's in the Scrabble dictionary online, it counts."

Mom: "That's not fair. It shouldn't count."

Dad: "That's how we play."

Gem: "BOO-YAH. That'll be 92 points for me."

Dad: "How is that?!!"

Gem: "I used up all of my tiles. You get fifty bonus points whenever that happens."

Mom: "WHAAAAATTTT!!!!???? Why did no one tell me this!!?"

Me: "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY! ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT YOU REALLY COULD HAVE USED ALL OF YOUR TILES IN A SINGLE TURN BY NOW?"

Mom: "I could have that first round. Probably."
...
Dad: "What do I do if I can't spell anything?"
Gem: "Swap some of your tiles from the bag."
Dad: "How many?"
Gem: "As many as you'd like."
Mom: "I think I'll do that too."
Gem: "Hold on mom. You have to put some back. You're only supposed to have seven."
Mom: "Wait, what? How do I know which ones to put back. Are you sure that's right?"

Corin: "MOM. You're supposed to have seven. ALWAYS seven. Seven, seven, seven, seven, seven, seven, seven, SEVEN. SEVEN.

Dad: "I think I'm gonna have to go with 'piddly'."
 Mom: "Is it my turn?"

Me: "Piddly...?"

Dad: "Look it up."
Gem: "Oh wow. Apparently it's a word."
Dad: "Do you have a problem with that?"

Me: "Only that it degrades the very name of Scrabble."

Mom: "My turn, right?"
Dad: "I'm still thinking?"
Gem: "Whose turn is it?"
Mom: "Dad's. Geez. Don't you pay attention?"

Kudos to Allie of Hyperbole and a Half for the superb graphics.

Merry Little 'Fish'mas

SANTA CAME WHILE I WAS SLEEPING!!!

(My mom would like to insert that the 'sleeping' part lasted far longer than it should have. Sorry to disappoint ya mommy baby. After all, I am 21 ya know. Twenty. One.)

I'm excited to report that I am now the proud owner of a Panasonic FH20. (Complete with waterslide.)

Take a look at this little beauty.

Little did you know, it's also a present for all of you! I will now post photos with actual quality. Not the pixelated blurry blobs to which I have previously stooped. Hoo-SHA. You thought this day would never come. Right? Right?

But, to be sure, I was rather proud of my thrifting skillz this holiday. Particularly with Da Twinneh's gift. It started off as a really hideodorous green shelf with a nasty wallpaper pheasant scene...

and turned into...

the most fantastical bear painting you ever did lay your sweet little eyes upon. (Notice the 'bear'-'bare' pun. What can I say? It runs in families.)

Da Twinneh loves all things bear (especially black bear, she's racist). So when she saw this sign online...

naturally, her first response was to have me create a rip-off version. (I'll have you know that I just typed 'bare bottoms welcome' into a Google image search. This was a highly risky flub and I'm not sure I've come away completely unscathed.)

I tend to think that mine is a gajillion times better. Especially free-handed! And judging upon the screaming and the bouncing and the flailing that took place upon removing the wrapping paper, I think Da Twinneh does too.

And now, I shall relate a Christmas tragedy.

It all came about when a certain little boy, with a twinkle in his eye, asked his adoring Grandpa if he could feed the gleaming fish in his immaculate aquarium.

Without hesitation, the beloved gramps gave an approving nod and the youngster scampered away to throw a few pinches of fish flakes into the pristine water.

Meanwhile, various holiday tunes were plunked away by a line-up of other grandchildren on the decrepit old piano as the rest of the family dutifully applauded each performance attentively.

Corinner-Elly watched as her nephew reached far above his head, impatient to push open the tank lid and feed its hungry inhabitants.

And that is when it happened.

CRASH! Instead of simply lifting the hinged cover to dust off the contents of his hand, the young lad pushed what he supposed to be a sliding lid with all his might, resulting in a dramatic display as it, and the items resting on its perimeter, crashed to the floor.

The now morbidly silent crowd watched as the old man rushed to the cowering boy's side, eyes wide with fright as the contents of an old soda bottle, used to produce needed CO2 for the tank's live plants, pumped deadly yeast water into the small ecosystem.

The room was tense for a small moment as the Grandpa regained his composure and softly reassured his offspring that everything would be alright. Activities resumed but all could tell that the man was concerned for the many small aquatic lives he had spent countless hours nurturing over the past many months.

Intuitively recognizing this in her father's worn face, Corinner-Elly silently prayed for the fishs' survival. (Actually... she just went and got some more shrimp and cocktail sauce but... almost.)

But alas. The very next morning, after gifts were unwrapped and relatives were visited, the family came home to a gruesome sight.

Each small corpse floated belly-up, faces contorted in a terrific fashion as if to suggest they died mid-scream. The last few struggling survivors twitched a fin frantically here and there, propelling them in pathetically irregular circles.

"WE CAN SAVE THEM!!!", Gem yelled as she frantically collected the necessary medical tools.

If you haven't read this story, you haven't lived.

No pun intended. Read HERE.

But dad knew the truth. He laid a tired hand on the now darkened container and gazed at the carnage sadly.

Before long, each small body had been scooped from the scene, the water de-contaminated and they had done their best to revive the few fighters.

Leaving Corinner-Elly to wonder pensively,

is there such a thing as fish CPR?...

Why I Love my Friends.

*Take into consideration that this conversation took place between 12 and 1 AM.*
Corin: "Do you get to sleep in tomorrow?"
Stefanie: "Yes.?"
Corin: "There's a question involved here?"
Stefanie: "Why are you asking that?"
Corin: "Because you put 'yes' question mark. Do you or don't you?"
Stefanie: "Yes. But why are you wondering that?"
Corin: "Because I'm deciding whether or not to be jealous! Geez, keep up with the program!"
Stefanie: "I'm confused..."
Corin: "Nevermind..."
Stefanie: "Okay..."
Corin: "Just know that I will be slaving away for hours on end while everyone else celebrates the true meaning of Christmas."
Stefanie: "What are you talking about?"
Corin: "I have to get up and go to work! And I'm complaining about it!"
Stefanie: "Lol. I really just laughed out loud!!"
Corin: "Oh you. I can never tell what is going to make you laugh."
Stefanie: "Haha. I'm sorry that you have to go to work. So now the true meaning of Christmas is sleeping in?"
Corin: "YES. And eating lots and lots of bacon."
Stefanie: "Haha. Good to know. I'm sad to hear that bacon has now replaced JESUS."
Corin: "HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! Pfff.... I'm going to wake people up!!!! hehehehehehehehe.... I'm hyperventialating... I can't even spell that right either... I'm dying here. Deep breaths.... hoo. I think I'll be okay...."
Stefanie: "Okay good. Thanks for the 12 new messages..."
Corin: "Anytime. I think I'm a little slap happy."
Stefanie: "Haha. Ya, I think so too. This is the funniest conversation. I wish I could just save it. Haha."
Corin: "I've already documented part of it. It will go down in Corin status history!"

Stefanie: "Documented? You mean the part you put on your status for the whole world to see?"
Corin: "Yes! Is this a problem?..."
Stefanie: "Nope. Merry Bacon!"

It's a Complicated Emotion.

I love today!
But I hate today...

But I love it at the same time!

It's so confusing!?...

Example:
I love today because I got all dressed up and adorable for a class presentation. (I looked 'zazzy' according to some.)

But I hate today because I slipped on an ice patch while on my way to the office, while wearing heels none-the-less,  producing an epic FAIL.

But I love today because no one was looking...

Another Example:
I love today because I got an A on my presentation and everyone loved my banana muffin with scrumptious cream cheese icing. (Including the girl who downed 3 then proceeded to tell me they were better than her mother's.)

But I hate today because people are long winded and certain students should be forcibly muted and/or maimed when they refuse to stay in their allotted 5-7 minutes.

But I love today because (after cursing the world and its ice puddles who are determined to undermine my attempts at walking successfully in heels) I decided to park in a stall strictly reserved for faculty. And *crossed my fingers* wha-do-ya know?

Did NOT get a ticket. BOO-YAH.

Three hours in some poor professor's parking spot.
Rebel, baby. REBEL.

Yet Another Example:
I love today because I found this on my phone:

 Lil' present left by my niece Jess-Jess.

But I hate today because I also found this on my phone (taken whilst I was unawares): 

(Scaled down for your benefit.)

I need to teach that girl a little lesson called 'Double Chins Aren't Attractive' and possibly the follow-up course 'Why Corinner-Elly isn't Photogenic'.

But I love today because I also found a certain highly blackmail-able photo of Gem that I plan on keeping in my personal arsenal until needed. (Muahahahahaha.)

As if There Could BE Another Example:
I love today because it was a cleaning check day which therefore meant my apartment was sparkling. (As opposed to 'gleaming', which I insist upon every other day of the week.)

But I hate today because, after a fresh Windex job completed on my bathroom mirror less than 24-hours prior, I came home to this: *cue hysterical screaming*

The audacity! The unmitigated gall!

Why yes. That is a drowning T-Rex. Candy you fantastic artist you.

Lucky for me, Gem found her window crayons.

Remember something about blackmail?... Yah. Me too.

Hunchback dolphin???... I can't even love sea creatures with birth defects!

"Here is your Christmas present.", it reads.

April Fools comes soon my friends. Very, very soon.

But I love today because paint washes away but friendship doesn't. :) (Awwww... Go hug a kitten. It's that moment.)

Why yes. That is a little man (possibly someone we know?...) riding a levitating saddle on a giant chicken. It happens.

Don't ask me what Davey-Baby is doing in this photo.
I really have no idea. WOOF.

(That's what you say when someone's doing something you don't approve of.)
We've decided.

I'm SMRTE.

Look what I just figured out how to do! Where?
What a silly question.

Up. Higher. Up. Up. Up.
Kay, STOP.
Do you see it? Do ya? Do ya?
A BLOG ICON!

Here. Let me show you a larger version.

Are you so proud? I am.
I amaze myself daily.

But guess what? You can have one too!
Visit HERE for the tutorial.

And now, for some severe chiding.
You guys don't update your blogs nearly enough.

What exactly do you propose I do when I'm desperate to do something other than stare blankly at whatever it is I'm supposed to be studying?

Huh, huh?

Facebook offers no consolation either.
I've run out of things to do people!

I give you permission to begin entertaining me.
NOW.

I 'Sew' Fly.

I don't know bout' choo, but I'm loving the new Facebook profile. Know what else I'm loving? That people aren't incessantly complaining about it all day long.

Facebook changes people.
Facebook WILL CHANGE. Deal with it.

I swear. There are certain Facebook trends that people just can't seem to let go of. I think I'll compile a little list for future reference. It goes a little something like this:

The 'If You Wish to Be My Friend, You Must Never-Ever-Ever Be Found Guilty of Using These Abominable Antics' List.

1) Status letters (aforementioned here)
2) Fake relationship statuses (That was funny in second grade.)
3) Complaints over site upgrades (see above)
4) Statuses about the weather (NO ONE CARES)
5) Statuses begging others to repost (We know you love your family! Dedicating status(es) to them is LAME.)
6) Statuses guilting you to repost (Let's face it people. Pretending you're a character from your childhood will not help child abuse victims. It will, however, make you look like a mindless fad-following land maggot.)
7) Ugly profile pictures (Isn't having to look at you in real life enough?)
8) Constant Contest Entries (You know, if you're deluded enough to think you're going to magically win a free laptop or airline tickets or frickin' pony by giving your information away online, we shouldn't associate. In fact, *click*. We don't.)
9) Eternally sick statuses (If you're deathly ill EVERYDAY, isn't it your normal? I don't post about feeling good every blasted time I get online. So give it a change. Let me know when you're feeling well, m'kay? Which is never, apparently.)
10) Inspirational status quotes (God loves me? My voice is powerful? Love is all I need? Let's all be vague and existential together!)

I could probably go on forever but I'm just starting to realize that I am fueling a potentially deadly army of friendly retribution.

Meaning...

You are all going to continue to do these things, except now, with a VENGEANCE. Right? Right?

Please. I beg you. Have mercy.

*sigh*
I brought this upon myself.

My one consolation is my newly re-made coat.
My Mommy-dearest offered to buy me a new one from JC Penney (not 'Penny's' for once, thank heaven :P) online but, unfortunately, the fit was not right.

Curse you unrealistically trim JC Penney catalog models!

So I had to work some magic. See?

Lumpy, boxy disgusting-ness -----> Corinner-licious-ness.

 

I ended up taking off a good bit of length because the 'trench' style made me look like I had little nubbins for legs. Then, I used that extra material (and the extra buttons they sew onto the liner) to make a belt at the waist.

And what, you ask, did I use for clasps to those buttons?

Why, an old stretched-out hairband, I reply. Useless for holding hair but perfect for winter coat re-purposing.

I love the wide-lapels on the collar.

They look all stately and sophisticated.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I need to monitor my Facebook wall.

I'm sure it's going to explode any second now...

The Day I Almost Died.

*Disclaimer: Anyone who suffers from paranoia on a daily basis should not read this. I repeat. MOM. STOP READING.*

The events found in this narrative are based on a true story.

In Provo City, the characters of this drama are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups: the innocent young girls just trying to get back to their apartments and the scary-looking, bedraggled young men asking for a ride to the Conoco. These are their stories.

DUN-DUN.

Corinner-Elly sat watching the light show display her Daddy-O had helped create in front of the City Building on Center Street. All around, garlands and bows decked the light posts. The strands of light adorning every surrounding inch blinked happily in synchronized rhythm as the radio swelled to the tunes of 99.9 FM. She turned up the volume, determined to soak in the sounds of the season.

"I love Christmas music." she thought cheerfully, "It's both joyful and triumphant." :D

When the 4-song loop reached its end, she decided she'd better get a goin'. There were things to do, places to go, people to see. Throwing the car in reverse, she glanced over her shoulder to look for an opening in the traffic to appear.

Suddenly, three loud taps startled her. Hovering near her driver's side door stood one of the roughest characters she'd seen in a long time.

His hair hung in greasy strands over the gleaming spikes adorning each ear. His dirty fingernails clutching various filthy bags that clanked to the tune of beer bottles. One hand pinched the last few inches of cigarette, still smoldering as he placed it between his yellowing teeth.

Hesitantly, she rolled down the window a bit.

"Hey." the dude breathed hurriedly, "Think you can give me a ride?"

"No. No. HECK no.", Corinner-Elly's shoulder mother screamed.

"Uhm. Sorry." she blurted frantically, "I can't."

 "Please!" he plead, "I really need a ride. I'm going to miss my bus. I'm trying to get back to Oregon."

At this point, Corinner-Elly's shoulder angel promptly gagged and bound her shoulder mother.

"Where to?", she hesitated.

"Just down to the gas station on the corner.", he reassured.

She paused a moment. "Are you trustworthy?", she teased.

"Oh, of course!", he declared while throwing open the back seat door.

Suddenly, Corinner-Elly's shoulder devil burst onto the scene. Within the course of an instant, she imagined the million ways this scenario could go wrong. The least of which involving her demise.

"Oh sh**." the vagrant realized after looking to the embers in his palm, "You smoke in this car?"

Corinner-Elly quickly glanced around herself, mentally taking stock of her surroundings to make sure she was still sitting in a Ford Taurus that had jewelry hanging from the rear view mirror, was blaring "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas", had been meticulous vacuumed and included an ever-so-lovely pine & fresh-linen scented car freshener. Did she look like she smoked in this car?

"Uh, no.", she retorted quickly.

"I've gotta get back to Oregon." he explained, "Cuz' I live up there ya know. I came down here to live with my wife but we had a fight, ya know, and I've gotta get home."

"That's too bad." she sympathized, "Especially during the holiday season. I was just enjoying the Christmas lights that my dad..."

"F*** this traffic." he bellowed, "F***, f***, F***!"

Corinner-Elly stopped speaking at this point.

Corinner-Elly gave up all hopes for polite conversation.

Corinner-Elly's ears began to bleed.

While nonchalantly tapping up the Christmas music volume, she contemplated a visit to the bishop's office.

"So... what time is the bus supposed to be there?", she tried to break the silence.

"Six.", he impatiently shot.

Glancing at the clock, Corinner-Elly noted it was a solid 6:15.

"Uhh. I hate to break this to you," she inserted, "but I think you may be out of luck."


This produced another long list of obscenities. Some of which, she wasn't sure she had heard before.

After an eternity, they reached the gas station.

"Good luck!", she smiled while trying to look sincere.

"Thanks.", he mumbled over his shoulder as he wandered off into the empty parking lot.

Not surprisingly, there was no bus in sight.

And thus, Christmas was saved. Corinner-Elly had shown the true spirit of impulsive service and hadn't gotten murdered in the process. There wasn't even any beer spilled in the back seat, which was a solid concern at one point.

So listen dear children and learn your lesson well.
If you have a bus to catch, leave the bar early.

Er... I mean... Don't drink either.

Aren't I the most idiotic nice person you've ever met?

What I Learn in College.

1. Scissors/shears are sharp.

My floral design teacher is a hoot.
She's strange and I like it.

But best of all, she's full of useful snippets. Take, for example, the inherent nature of floral clippers. Namely, they're sharp.

You see, they cut from both sides which makes them ever-so-much-better than plain ole' scissors, don't cha know.

And so, naturally, after explaining the dangers of 'clipping off your very own finger in the process of trimming rose thorns' and urging all students to use common sense by keeping their fingers out of the way while doing so, a certain little miss genius in the front row complained she was bleeding.

Yes. The girl is in college.
Yes. We assume she has a brain.
Yes. I weep for her children.

2. Fire and stupid people don't mix.

"Sometimes" my floral teacher explained, "We have people (usually old people) who call in, wondering how to light the candle in their arrangement when it is still wrapped in plastic. Usually, it's the delivery guy's job to remove the wrappers."

The problem is: this here is less than perfect world.

For example: why in the love of pork chops is there is never enough bacon?

The point being: sometimes in life, you're gonna have to remove the plastic wrap. (Isn't that existential?...) I know this sound difficult and particularly terrifying but, good-golly, it's possible.

The only thing I'm left wondering is why, exactly, we allow people (who can't figure out how to remove a little cellophane from a candle before lighting it) access to flammable products anyways?...

3. Don't incorporate skis into a funeral set piece if the deceased died in a horrific skiing accident.

Wha?? No way...
This is news to me.

4. Fir trees and fur trees are two entirely different things.

One's a lot less hairy.

See.
Isn't my education paying off?

5. I am the master of flower domination.

I vil' terminate zem.

(Except 'terminate' in this instance, may be used more loosely to mean 'lovingly admire them as they sit on my kitchen table'.)

Ah'll be back!

Hasta la vista, beh-bay.

Hey.

I'm not much of a Schwarzenegger, okay?